Personal Experience

Before we begin this section, I’m going to share what my first impression was like.

I can still remember my first day there. My mom and dad drove me to NLA from the airBNB around 2pm on September 14th, 2018. I remember passing by this ugly pink house. My mom was braiding my hair (as best she could, It was very, very short). I have a picture of me smiling once she was done. The reality hadn’t hit me that day yet. When we turned off Dickey RD. onto Nelson RD., I started to choke. I was breaking down and starting to panic. This was really happening. My head was overwhelmed with thoughts.. “I’m not going home”,  “I’m being abandoned on the opposite side of the world again”, “Would I ever get to go home?”, “Is it possible for me to ask someone for help if I can run away? Plane tickets to Japan are expensive.” The fact that I lived so far away didn’t help. Panic set in as we made it to the sign. The long driveway was similar to TRAILS. It made me think that maybe, just maybe even though we passed the sign, that we made a wrong turn. We were driving slowly because the driveway was so long. It made everything worse. It made me more anxious.

When we finally got to the parking lot, we were greeted by two staff. PJ, a therapist, and Amber, the program director. My parents got out of the car when the staff came over. I didn’t. I’m staying right where I am. PJ took my parents inside when they noticed I wasn’t moving, and Amber stayed with me. She was pregnant at the time so I opened the car door for her to sit. Since I was in no shape to talk, I moved to the trunk to get as far away from her as possible. I saw my bag was still there, so while Amber was talking about shit and trying to coax me out of the car, I was rummaging through my luggage. I got out Bunny and Giraffe (the two stuffies I had since I was a baby), and held them close while I looked around for the shaver. I may have used it 2 days before (right after getting out of my wilderness program), but desperate times call for desperate measures.

I took it apart and hid each blade in different articles of clothing, and one on myself. They were going to strip search me like TRAILS, so I wanted at least one to make it through the search. I don’t know why (probably because I wanted to hug my mom), but once my mom opened the trunk, I got out of the car. I was still crying and hyperventilating, but I made it inside. Waiting for me inside was a student I went to TRAILS with (L). While I was inside talking with my parents, L and PJ were trying to comfort me as it was a big change. I can't imagine how hard it was for L to see that. I kind of feel guilty making her relive her first day in a way.

Anyways, I didn’t enter through the main entrance. One of the rooms had a door that led straight outside, and apparently that was the (first) room I was staying in, so they had us go through there instead. I was sitting on the bottom bunk of the bed closest to the door when my mom told me they had to go. L hugged me trying her best to comfort me. At some point I was standing up.. I remember sitting down one second, then hugging L the next. While I hugged L, My parents and Amber took that opportunity to leave. I could barely see anything, everything was blurry and I was hyperventilating so much that my vision was dark, I could barely feel my lips, and I was stumbling. As I saw my parents exit, I raced towards the door. PJ tried to beat me to it and ended up slamming the door shut on my head. It was an accident. I’m not angry about that. I’m just disappointed that they wouldn't let my parents 1) say goodbye or 2) see if I was ok after getting my head slammed.

I haven’t cried about NLA in a long time. Usually I make snarky comments about Susan and the program or I just get angry about it. I’m crying right now. I didn’t know that writing about this would bring up those emotions again since it's been so long. I feel it’s important to highlight that even when you think you’re healed from something, there are minor details that can set you off. In my case it was thinking about that fugly pink house.

Now onto the main part of this section.

1) There were many differences between how the students’ were treated. As I said before, the way you’re treated has to do with how much the staff like you, not your progress. There were a few students who were on a journaling program, but the programs we were put on were never consistent. My assignment was to write about my ideal day at NLA (every day), and one full page of 3 positive things that happened that day. I needed to not only complete the time, but I had to sit there overtime to complete the prompts. I had to sit at the silent table from 6:30-7:30 every day, and if you refer to the schedule it gets interrupted by SOAR (homework time), Kinship Calls, and LO’s, so Susan found a bunch of ways to rack up time I needed to make up. Sometimes I would have to miss my kinship calls. In all, due to my personal and school responsibilities, I racked up 10 hours of journaling I needed to make up. This was one of the many reasons I was never able to properly care for my rabbit. Not only that, but telling a 13 year old to journal 2 pages of positive shit in an abusive environment without any guidance is ludicrous. In fact, I have a document where Susan says that I was struggeling, so she'd be "tightening up my program". She pointed this out after many other weekly updates of  "Jordan's struggling", "Jordan's struggling", "Jordan's struggling". Maybe she didn't get the hint, but that obviously wasn't fucking helpful.

2) During my first week there I was pushed up against the wall of the closet and kissed by a girl. I told a staff member about it and we both got grounded. They then judged me heavily based off of that UNWANTED interaction and used it against me when they'd see me getting "too close" to people. I remember it being used against me in multiple situations. Once where I was "playing footsies" with another student when we were only bouncing our legs due to how anxious we were and the amount of medications we were on. Another time was when I had my first restriction, Susan said "we've been here before". No woman, we haven't, this time it really took two to tango, last time i was unwilling, but thanks for the victim blaming anyway.

3) I was also given an LO on my first night for using the bathroom in the bedroom. I said that I didn’t know I couldn’t do that, but they insisted it was in the “New Beginnings” book. It was not, and I had to do LO’s on my grace week (a week where you supposedly can't get in trouble because you just got there and are settling in).

4) Me and another girl kissed (this time it was consensual), and we were both grounded, put on therapeutic focus, restricted to eachother,  and put on a touching restriction with everyone. Overtime, she was no longer grounded, on therapeutic focus, on a third-person, or on a touching restriction, and she could earn privileges. Every week I asked to come off of my touching restriction and therapeutic focus. My treatment requests were never answered and when I tried talking to staff/Susan about it she would tell me to “look inside” and work on myself. When you’re grounded, you participate in Hours, and I already had a shit ton of LO’s, so that coupled with the stupid journaling program interfered with my ability to take care of my rabbit. I will keep mentioning the bunnies because not only are their conditions illegal, but Bandit was never taken out because I was treated differently. It’s not fair for an animal to suffer because of the abusive environment the students are in.

5) A staff member named Jess (one of the many Jess') said I called her a bitch before break, so when I got back (after balling my eyes out because I JUST walked in the door) I was immediately sent to the HHC and given an hour. I told the truth, I didn't call her a bitch. But even telling the truth gets you nowhere. I remember being upset that they wouldn’t allow me to say bye to Bandit (my bunny), so I was emotional and sent to the HHC for not being able to control my emotions (I was annoyed that they always bugged me for not being able to take care of Bandit due to my restrictions, yet when I can, there’s either no time or no one available to bring me), but I never called Jess a bitch. At that point, that specific staff member was one of the nicer ones, so I was disappointed to see her lie about that.

6)  A staff member named Robin said that I was hiding in the closet (a tiny thing I can only sit in-front of, not hide in) to get out of soccer practice when in reality I was crying because I was terrified of performing in front of people. I heard her call for me, so I responded “I’m in room 4B!” (My room at the time). Apparently she didn’t hear me and called out for me again 2 more times. I didn’t know that until the next day when I was put on Therapeutic focus for it. I told the staff what really happened, but they didn’t want to hear any more excuses. I still have the journal they made me write my explanation in. Everyone was kept inside that Saturday (the day after the closet incident) because it was messy and emotional. Turns out making a bunch of anxious and depressed pre teens participate in soccer games where the other teams have their parents support isn't a good idea (no shit), so everyone had to write down exactly what happened that day to weed out who was in trouble or not.

7) Me and (N) were talking downstairs and apparently we weren’t supposed to be doing that. I was leaving the music room and ran into her in the main room downstairs. You’re not allowed to talk in the music room. Amelia (a house advisor) “caught us” and yelled at us. In the end, (N) wasn’t allowed to do her laundry alone and I lost my music room privileges. This was before we were restricted. If it were other students, this wouldn’t have happened, but I was heavily judged because of how my first week went down. Apparently getting assaulted means you’re problematic for the rest of your life.

8) There was once a group session where we would pair up and tell eachother a few things the other needed to work on. In total, we got 3 people to tell us certain aspects we struggle with. For me it was my filter and only talking with my tablemates during meals. I still don’t know what they meant by filter, especially since I was on a silent table spot restriction, 3rd person, and restricted to at least 2 people at a time, but Susan ridiculed me in front of the whole house while she just quickly moved on from others.

9) I was told not to isolate myself even though I was on a silent table spot restriction, 3rd person, touching restriction, and always restricted to someone (usually changed monthly, but one was consistent). The person who told me that was the one who’s been keeping me on all these restrictions. I asked her “how? I’ve been asking to come off all my shit, but you won't let me!” and she told me that I needed to keep working on “it” and she gave me an Hour for saying “shit”.

10) I was continuously paired up with my restriction. I was with them on Quest, the rafting trip, group therapy (Wednesday), and on cook/clean (along with any other activity that needed pairing, we'd be paired up). The one who approves these pairs (and pairs them up to begin with) is the one who’s been keeping me on my restrictions, my therapeutic Advisor, Susan. We shouldn’t get in trouble when we’re paired up that often. When I confronted her about it she’d either tell me to make do with it while I continue to follow my restrictions, or she’d completely deny pairing us up. 

11) During their stay, students can be put on Therapeutic Focus 2-3 times. Me? At least 33 times. I still have all my assignments. A lot of it was week after week turned month after month. Therapeutic focus is supposed to be one week at a time. I don't know what that woman had against me, but I stayed grounded and on TF for nearly my entire stay.

12) Susan MADE ME take her on an outing one night. I wasted $40 and 5 hours on her. Not that it mattered because I never got my money anyway. I'd at least like to be payed for my trauma, but that didn't happen.

13) When students graduate they get this small bunny stuffie, their graduation paper, a flash drive with all their photos/photos with them in it, and a check with the allowance they made. I only got my paper. At the time I wasn't so upset because I was finally out of there, but looking back I wish I’d contacted them for my money and flash drive. I don’t know if it happened to other students, but this kinda shit happened to me a little too often. I was also never allowed to go to store because of my constant grounding and TF, so I had STACKS waiting for me.

14) On the Rafting trip, we were coming up to a level 3 rapid. That means everyone needs to be in the boat, and Susan being Susan put me and my restriction, (N), in the same boat (shocker). Bethany (The PE teacher) couldn’t get her up and asked someone to come help, so I went and pulled her up on my own and ended up getting grounded for breaking not only my touching restriction, but breaking my person restriction as well. I would’ve let them face that lawsuit, but I quite liked (N)