Journal Pages

This was a letter I was gonna send to my mom. I wasn't allowed to because of name dropping, the few swear words, and the fact that it was negative. I didn't even finish writing it before I was told by my wonderfully horrible Therapeutic Advisor that she wouldn't even think of sending it. I didn't even know she was looking over my shoulder.

Here's the letter typed out and slightly edited so you can read it better:

Dear mom...

I have been struggling a lot lately. I honestly don't know what to do with myself. *Student A* is treating me like- dare I say, shit. *Student B* says I keep messing up the science project. *Student C* is being rude (as usual for no reason). *Student A* keeps telling me "Jordan stop, I'm trying to focus on finishing my test" when I didn't say anything but "*Teacher A*, can you help me understand this?", and it wasn't even directed towards her. *Teacher A* doesn't help me understand crap in math. *Student D* is telling *Student E* that I'm saying bad things about her behind her back, and she saying that she's going to tell *Student E* that I have a crush on her on my last day. *Student E* is telling *Student D* that I'm saying bad things about her behind her back and that I have a crush on her! What the Hell? *Teacher B* is saying that I can't go to the HHC, and that I can't go work downstairs even when I say I can't focus. *Teacher C* is saying that I need to focus on my Destruction and Deforestation of the Amazon Rainforest essay when I only asked a peer for help! I don't know what the fuck I'm doing wrong. *Teacher D* is saying that I stall when I eat my snack when I'm only trying to finish my water. *Teacher B* gave ME a minor when it was *Student F* who kicked MY chair. *Staff A* is pissed at me for not getting my crap done when I have no time to do anything. *Staff B* is keeping an eye on me specifically because of my spot restriction. Not *Student G*, not *Student H*, ME, and they have spot restrictions too! And she also questions me when I ask to go to my room, NOT the others! *Student G* is being fake with me during group just to please *Staff B*. *Student I* group requested me because I was talking to *Student J* about suicide forest, and then *Student J* denied bringing it up and said that I did! We were only talking about it because *Student J* wanted to know the Japanese name for it! She said that I was talking about it first! *Teacher E* is frustrated with me when I do something "distracting"- for example, Me and a few other students (Students K, A, L, C, and M)  we're talking about how it was stupid for Trump to host the G7 meeting in his own hotel (showing that his personal gain was more important than (inter)national interest). I wasn't even the one speaking. I only agreed and *Teacher E* said "Jordan, please stop talking". She wasn't even watching me to begin with!

Mom.. I can't do this shit anymore.. *Student N* is saying *I'm sorry that I'm trying to help you but you keep letting your negativity take over. It's soooo horrible, y'know?" I didn't even do anything or say anything to her!  *Student I* is mad at me for not taking Bandit out enough (she's a bunny officer) when I literally don't have the time! (Thanks to my TA keeping me on all my restrictions and my dumbass journaling program). I'm trying to be vulnerable with *Student N* (and *Student A* separately because i was told to by staff), but she ends up rolling her eyes. I haven't been able to finish my cards or my code of conduct--

Keep in mind when reading this, I was on a third person restriction, touching restriction, and spot restriction (at the silent table). I barely talked to people outside of class, so all of this happened during school hours. Well, besides the conversations with *Student N*, those happened at the house. I truly was picked on by the staff. That doesn't mean I had it the worst, you can't compare trauma. It also doesn't mean that others weren't targeted too, I could name 2 other students  who I remember being singled out just as much as I was.

Here are the events from my letter explained. Keep in mind that I'm not shitting on these people and when I say "well liked by staff" I don't mean these kids had a stick up their ass, I'm just stating that they were well liked by staff because it makes a difference in every situation. I'm only explaining what was happening at the time. We all did what we needed to do to survive.

Student A: I really liked her, but as time went on, cliques formed and rumors spread. I know I didn't do anything to her, but she was tight with the people who really didn't like me. Wether that was caused by rumors or just being a pre-teen, It saddens me because I still like her and think she's funny. She's mature and really kind, so I honestly think it was the rumors and the fact that she was tight with a few people who didn't like me.

Student B: We never really talked because we were in different houses and she was older than me. We just didn't get along. She was also well liked by staff.

Student C: Me and her didn't get along. She made out of pocket comments that we're funny, but I was usually the butt of the joke. 

Student D: She was problematic and caused a lot of the rumors to spread. There were 4 people who made things worse for me because of her behavior (and the fact that the staff liked to believe anything that would get me in trouble).

Student E: She was one of the reasons I got so many LO's. She was in the same house as I was. I always try to be kind to others, and alot of the time it bites me in the ass because I let people walk all over me. Student D and E the most. E liked to lie and spread rumors about things "we" talked about. I hope she's better now and got the help she needed because NLA sure as hell wasn't any good.

Student F: One of the closest friends I've ever had. We still talk from time to time. This was just an unfortunate incident, she didn't mean any harm.

Student G: She had her troubles, but she was also someone who was targeted by staff. They put her through hell and took everyones word but her own. I understand now why she was sucking up to staff, and if we lived close to each other I'd definitely hang out with her, I miss her a lot.

Student H: I was restricted to her from my second month there. I never got off restriction. I mentioned her in the letter because the only reason I was on all my restrictions was because of something me and her did. She went on to get off her restrictions and become a bunny officer while I wasn't even given the time of day. I never resented her for the way the staff targeted me, I knew what was happening to me wasn't her fault, but it didn't make it any less fair. Especially since we were treated so differently when we both did the same thing. (Although I was judged off of my second day there when a girl forcefully pushed me up against the wall in the closet and kissed me. I told staff about it and they said, not even joking, "It takes 2 to tango").

Student I: We didn't get along. If we were in a normal middle school situation, I'd definitely call her a popular girl. We did have our moments where we could hang out and get along, but we weren't close and had our differences. She was also well liked by staff.

Student J: She was unproblematic and sweet. I understand why she didn't fess up to being the one to ask me a question about Suicide forest, especially since all these issues are brought up in group and not one on one. I was the epitome of being singled out, so I know she was too scared to say that she just wanted to ask a question. Especially since I was the one who got the group request and I can't say or do anything besides apologize even when I wasn't the one to do it.

Student K: She was sweet and stayed out of trouble. She was liked by staff and students.

Student L: A girl from the other house. I've only had nice interactions with her. I inly added her here because of the situation I talked about in my letter.

Student M: We were actually pretty close and we talked alot after getting out. We haven't talked in a while, but she was funny, talented, smart, and she was also someone who was targeted by staff.

Student N: She was very bossy. Honestly it's just in her nature, and NLA wasn't capable of giving her the tools and guidence on how to treat others. She was also brave and wasn't afraid to get in trouble.